i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I can't turn off my feet"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
