my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
