you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
