My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
