I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
