I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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