my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
