So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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