How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
