I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
you made out with another girl for some wings
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
there is glitter all over my balls
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
