He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
