5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
