god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
