This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Randomize
