Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
As shirtless as possible
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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