last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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