I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Randomize
