Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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