She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
