Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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