I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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