I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
