You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
