The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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