Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
That was an excessively violent trivia night
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
