That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
