Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
There are leaves in my underwear?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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