Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
