I hate all girls vehemently.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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