Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
