If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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