im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
