shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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