this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
