peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize