come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
