I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
