Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
