God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
