My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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