i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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