If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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