I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You work out of a Hotel?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
