He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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