Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
