cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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