Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize