the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Randomize
