hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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