I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Randomize
