he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize