His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize