last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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