Don't make out with my wife yet
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
