I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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