the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize