____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
