Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
