The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
