from now on my penis is your penis
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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