He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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